27th August 2019
Among the rugged terrain, there is no need to question.
Faith is found in silence and answers lay in places that do not speak back.
Brian S Woods
Honestly, It takes quite a high esteem and an extent of brave foolishness for me to share my self scrutiny with you.
Unfortunately, am a mental health writer and as such, I must open a window or two for you to see me as I am in the hope that you might see me in a light that may help you to see yourself in a clearer light.
I guess that's the gift and the curse of this pursuit, however, there's a thin line between the pain of objective self-disclosure and the pleasure of self indulgence.
We live life with many pleasure seeking self-indulgent tendencies; gluttony, laziness, infidelity, drug abuse, extravagance, pride, attention-seeking, selfishness, greed, lust... anything in the excess of what's necessary.
In the same manner, a writer who shares his highs in a way that glorifies himself beyond what he actually is seeks praise and admiration for himself.
Also, if the writer shares his lows in a way that demean him beyond his real value then he seeks to conjure sympathy or pity for himself.
So whether he glorifies or demeans himself, indulging in either form of self-aggrandizement only serves to pleasure the writer rather than giving the reader the true value of the lesson, that's the thin line between the pain of objective self-disclosure and the pleasure of self-indulgence.
I share personal accounts of myself through writing for the purpose of self-therapy while attempting to teach and heal the reader, I share the personal accounts that I share because I've deemed those personal accounts as essential to the lesson being put across, it's my higher calling to stay in line with the necessary self-disclosure because anything less is just self indulgence and intellectual masturbation.
You see, am a funny and talented guy, that's probably what a lot of people see in me.
What they don't see is the anguish behind the humor and the fears behind the talents. Often,I use one word to describe myself, resilient.
Behind my angelic face, i am a good-bad guy who...
Cares for people yet hurts them,
Hurts people yet consoles them,
Neglects people yet heals them,
....and at the same entire time, treat myself with the same sort of love-hate.
Am like a good person with an angelic-demon inside, a part that's heaven-sent to nurture and a part that's hellbent to sabotage the other part.. like a revolving door, you walk out the same second you walk in.
This sort of balance or imbalance is what I refer to as being human.
It's a paradox, am the opposite of every persona that I am while at the same time am both personas.
My strengths are my weaknesses and my weaknesses are my strengths.
My beauty is my unbecomingness and my becoming from my unbecomingness is my beauty.
My pains are my gains and my gains are my power.
This is the source of my resilience, I've bounced back from everything life has thrown at me this far.
Am not implying that I've gone through things worse than those you've gone through but be assured, if some of you went through half the shit I've been through you'd be written off.
Unfortunately, am the over-indulgent type, I repeatedly put myself in unnecessary risks knowingly and too oftenly have to learn through the hard way.
In my lifetime, I've battled with alcoholism and while drunk I've ...,
Passed out and also thrown up in cars,Â
Been robbed and also thrown out of bars,
Physically fought with whores,
Slept with whores and broke a condom while inside one,
Slept in a ditch or two... gladly sober now.
In my lifetime I've...
Chewed khat and smoked cigarettes.
Been hooked to weed and ended up in a spiritual place battling insanity for half a year while at the same time witnessing my spirit fight to redeem my soul from damnation while my soul fought my spirit back for freedom to doom itself.
This same 25 years I've..
Lost loved ones,
Given up on dreams,
Been denied opportunities I earned,
Been depressed,
Relapsed into addictions I had overcome earlier,
Used women for sexual pleasure and been used by women for the same.
At the same time, I'd be lying if I don't mention that my life also has had so so so many great moments and memories.
To be truthful, am a very blessed person, almost to the extent of taking my blessings for granted.
In my lifetime I've....
Witnessed God's supreme goodness and mercy countless times.
Had and have a great, loving family who have not only always been supportive but also been constructively critical of me.
Made several great friends whose support has never wavered.
Engaged women genuinely and received more love and loyalty from them than I could ever give.
Excelled in a few talents and academics.
Built a work ethic and reputation for delivering.
Had lots of laughter, fun, shared meals and drinks and celebrations.
I mean, my life is awesome and great despite the now and then pinches
Now, how did I end up sitting down to write all of this?
The latest episode in my self inflicted trials and tribulations dragged me through emotional turmoil and psychological disarray before dumping me beside a telescope to zoom the world out with so I could undertake a journey to find clarity and meaning for myself.
In minor detail, a fun-at-first sexual intercourse turned into a nightmare faster than a chickens orgasm, got a lady pregnant by miscalculation and circumstantially would have had to wive her.
The drama that ensued, the threats, tensions, anxieties, paternity uncertainties, denial of reality, neediness from the expectant, my financial instability and many other factors combined into a pungent cocktail of a repulsive and jagged throat lump so hard to swallow I had to literally constrict my gut for days in order for me not to throw up my fears and insecurities.
Few weeks later, a miscarriage that left me at the back seat of a car with the particular lady lying on my lap crying painfully then a few seconds later going unconscious, silent, pulse-less, breathless and unresponsive to my face-slaps and voice-cracked name-calling all aimed at waking her up as she lifelessly jerked back and forth rhythmically to the moving cars motion.
Forget about my heartbeat, my senses were so heightened I could hear the echo of the million thoughts I was having.
I literally could hear the second hand of a watch tick into slow motion before phasing out into absolute silence, my body hair stood more erect than my penis back when I was penetrating her.
The moment had a traumatizing aura of horror, the air between me, her and my brother at the driver seat was drenched with such a heavy atmosphere of my confirmed fears and sealed fate that my eyelashes had to overcome a resistance drag just to blink in an effort to curb any emotion welling up inside me.
Miraculously, to my desperate relief, she gained consciousness many minutes later.
The point is, just like you might have on different occasions and at different times, I've been in strange places, mentally and spiritually and many times I've wished I could press a rewind button but there was none.
Life is a series of decisions then you die.
Not having a rewind-to-reset button is the whole point of life, the consequences of your decisions are your pathway to your higher self.
If we could reset life, we would never treasure it's lessons, or regret our actions, or grow from our ignorance ,or suffer for our gains. In fact we would lose out on the turn around of events and the mercy and greatness of The almighty since it is in our most helpless moments where His strength is revealed...if we could reset life then life would become pointless and lose meaning.
It's the chaos, the mistakes, the uncertainties, the adversities and pains that teach us.
It's the calmness, the order, the results of principles and the hope of tomorrow that assure us that we are here for a reason.
Life is really a series of chaos and order,Â
Life will slap you in the face and pat you in the back,
Life will punish you even when you deserve rewards,
Life will deny you of what you deserve,
Life will grant you so many chances even after you fail.
Life will provide nourishment and provisions for you when you are helpless.
Life will nurture and destroy you then rebuild you over and over.
God is life's only constant and yet God is a paradox, and by default so am I, therefore by God's design, Life has to be a paradox too.
In the end, am neither good nor bad, am just human, and life is neither cruel nor pampering, life just is.
So then, what is life, really...?
Life, is just life, that's it.
📷